Friday, 29 June 2012


I've spent much of this week in tears, just getting myself in a right old state about going away.

I feel I've backed myself into a corner and there's no escape.

If I cancel my trip I feel I'm letting people down...the Company Manager who organised it all, Mr B, my Support Worker, myself.

Everything has gone to pot. I haven't got out of the house on my own this week so my food intake has been appallingly bad or non-existent. Thank goodness for the Felix Christmas goodie box that has remained unopened as it had 2 sachets of cat food in! They've got vets' kibbles but they like a bit of wet food too. (I hasten to add that Mr B has been up in Brum working during the early part of the week and has since brought in food for me and the cats).

Went into town with my Support Worker yesterday and just fell apart. Got very upset and started my asthma off.

I'd had 2 Diazepam by 8 o'clock this morning. Went to sleep and now just feel cr*p.

If I try on anymore clothes that make me look like a fat knacker I think I'm just gonna put 'em in a pile in the garden and set fire to them! The idea in my mind of keeping cool in white linens with pink accents has gone right out of the window. Black is the way to go! Easy!

I can't even pinpoint what is wrong. I just know if I said "No, I'm not going" I would feel better in an instant.

Stupid, huh?
Z xx


  1. No, not stupid at all. It is a big scary thing to do, a change of routine and something out of the ordinary, I know you'd have the time of your life if you did go but there's absolutely no pressure, it's entirely up to you and you won't be letting anyone down.
    I saw an older lady in black linen cropped pants, a black tee shirt, lime green ballet pumps and a matching big knotted scarf today and she looked so fantastic I had to tell her, simple and cool and effortless!
    Take care, love. You know we all love ya. xxxxxx

  2. oohhh Lovely im so feeling for you right now. Please don't beat yourself up you can't help the way you feel and your not letting anyone down. My mum suffers with depression and also gets very anxious about leaving the house she gets into a right state the week before as well. She has diazpan also. She and my dad have just come back from 11 nights in Spain she loved it once she got there although was ready to come home. But she swam every day and actually went for walks on her own to she says she feels so much better in herself when she is away. But we are all different lovely and you need to be happy and comfortable with what you are doing. But what i will say is that sometimes we have to push ourselves and mostly its always worth it ;-)) What ever you decide be kind to yourself. Love and hugs, dee xx

  3. sending you a big hug. You need to do whatever you feel comfortable with and not feel under any pressure.
    Ann x

  4. I know how you feel. I was the same when I had post natal depression.

    My problem was I was being totally irrational, I knew I was irrational but still didn't change even though that would have been easier for everyone.

    Do what you feel you have to, you will get better if you can do it on your own timeframe.


  5. I feel awful I don't know what to say and after all your kind words to me over the last months. So instead I'll just send you lots of big hugs. I hope you do the right thing for you ((((hug))))